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Elves, Orcs and the Road to Recovery Print

Written by KC

06 November 2004 | 58662 words

Part 10

The young Steward of Gondor awoke later that day and felt his arse afire, throbbing painfully in time to the beat of his heart. His ada had been deceptively angry, something Faramir made a mental note to remember in future. The second son of Denethor had always known how angry Denethor and Boromir were at any time, Denethor by expression and Boromir by expression, posture, colouring and a variety of other indicatives. When his brother gave him a certain dark look, his body tensed in a certain way or he turned a certain shade of puce, Faramir knew that it was in his own best interests to turn tail and run as far away as fast as he could. Feeling another flare of fiery pain, the young Steward groaned into the bedding that consisted of blankets placed over leaves beneath him. Faramir felt a hand brush hair back from his face and opened an eye to confirm that it was indeed whom he thought it was, ada.

"Adaaaa. My arse is on fire!" Faramir whined wondering why it was that he had been able to take harsh thrashings from Denethor in absolute silence but punishments by those who cared for him seemed to reduce him in years to a whinny, needy adolescent.

"I am sorry, ion-nin," Thranduil apologised as he continued to stroke his human son's hair.
"I was angrier than even I realised. When I saw you in that blind gully and then saw the orcs firing arrows upon you…" the elven King could not continue as images of his son's danger flashed before his eyes again.

Faramir looked up at his elven father and saw tears in the elven King's eyes. Turning onto his side carefully, the young Steward reached out and touched a tear that had freed itself of the others and rolled down his father's face. Thranduil's heart faltered at seeing the bemusement and something bordering on awe pass across his human son's features.

"You have found your way into this old elf's heart, ion-nin, and I *do* love you," Thranduil stated firmly, willing Faramir to accept the truth of his words.

Faramir continued to look into his elven father's eyes, using his oft-times cursed 'ability' to look into the depths of the elf's soul. What he saw there made him gasp for he knew that he loved his elven father dearly but just now realised the depth of his father's love for him. Thranduil saw comprehension dawn in his human son's eyes and smiled a watery smile.

"I love you too, ada," Faramir whispered as he continued to touch his father's face. "But my arse is still on fire!" he moaned as another flare of pain from his much abused rear-end made its unwelcome presence felt.

Thranduil chuckled as Maglor arrived with a very large jar of numbing salve. The elven King's eyebrows went skyward at the size of the jar.

"The trio 'horribus' and this young one on the same journey," Maglor said in way of explanation as he removed the lid from the jar. "I have secured three such jars and was seriously contemplating a fourth."

The Seneschal lifted the blanket covering his young charge and winced. Unseen by Faramir Maglor threw Thranduil a look of astonishment with a flash of annoyance at the colouring of the young human's posterior. The elven King had the grace to look chagrined. Maglor applied the salve, as gently as possible, to Faramir's buttocks eliciting pained hisses and moans from the young human. After several long moments Faramir sighed in relief and settled into a light doze.

Some time later and as if from a distance, Faramir heard Legolas arrive and Thranduil depart. He felt the blanket lying atop of him lifted followed by a small sound of distress and then a whispered…

"Ada was *very* angry."

"Ai!" came the hushed exclamation of one of the Elrondion twins. "I have not seen that particular shade of vermilion since that time in Lórien when grandfather was so vexed with us and Haldir."

"I would appreciate it very much if you would stop examining my arse as it is becoming decidedly chilly down south," Faramir drawled in a sleep-ridden voice, feeling the cold around his hindquarters as the heat radiating from his posterior clashed with the cool air of the surrounds.

"Sorry, muindor tithen," Legolas apologised quietly as he lowered the blanket. "Do you need more salve?"

"Not for the moment, thank you. Some was applied by Maglor not long ago," Faramir replied around a gigantic yawn. "But I am in need of distraction from the throbbing. A story about certain elves in Lórien perhaps?"

The twins looked as if they would refuse the request.

"I would do what he asks," Legolas advised when he saw twin looks of refusal. "He will only resort to asking ada, and you would be surprised what ada knows about the exploits of the 'duo horribus'. He feels guilty enough at the moment to indulge any of this one's whims."

"Alright, tithen-pen. But if any of this should get back to Estel, there will be a reckoning… a long and painful one," Elladan warned as he sat down beside the young Steward next to Legolas. "Where to begin…"

Faramir had to bite his lip, eliciting a wince at the sharp pain, to stop the comment 'at the beginning is generally thought advisable' springing forth from his mouth. Legolas, as if having read his brother's thought, laughed and slapped him on the shoulder.

"Behave, muindor tithen!"

Faramir gave his elven brother a small, wry smile.


The Lórien elves braced themselves, as they were wont to do with this particular threat to the serenity of their wooded realm, for the arrival of the twin sons of Elrond. At the present moment they were enjoying the calm before the inevitable hurricane. Not that they did not like the Elrondion twins. It was just that they could never predict exactly what was going to happen during the twin's occupation of their realm. And happen - something always did.

"Where *are* the little…" Haldir fumed as he waited at the rendezvous point on the very edge of the realm for the twin balrogs, so that he could escort them to Lórien.

"My...my…" came a familiar young elven voice from above.

"He does appear to be in a bit of a snit," a second familiar and equally young voice from above but slightly to the right of the first voice.

Haldir closed his eyes, clenched his fists, took a deep breath and counted to fifty, then thought maybe he should continue on to one hundred. The proud Marchwarden was not going to give the young orcs the satisfaction of asking how long they had been in the trees. Turning abruptly, Haldir marched back towards Lórien. The twins jumped lightly from the trees they had occupied and sharing a wide grin, marched after the annoyed elf.

Haldir continued his march into the heart of the realm and then climbed the many stairs to the Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. Lord Celeborn took one look at the thunderous expression on the face of his Marchwarden and the ingenuously innocent smiles on the faces of his grandsons, and rolled his eyes. The twins had indeed…arrived.

Elrohir and Elladan ran to their grandparents and hugged them each tightly in greeting. The twins were as tall as Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn although yet to reach their full height and just short of adult age.

Haldir bowed to Galadriel and Celeborn, turned and was about to take his leave when Lord Celeborn stopped him with a small 'clearing of his throat' cough. The Marchwarden winced and then gave a sigh of resignation before turning back to his elven Lord, for he just knew what was about to be asked of him and he would rather peel vegetables the cook for three hundred years.

Celeborn for his part was smiling inwardly at Haldir's…pained reaction, although only the hint of a twinkle in his eyes could be seen outwardly. He had been trying, over the centuries, to teach his proud young ward the virtues of empathy and patience, both of which were sorely lacking in his Marchwarden.

"Haldir. I release you from your current duties and ask that you *entertain* the twins during their stay in Lórien," Celeborn requested in his usual calm and quiet manner. If anyone could test his ward's patience, the elven Lord thought, it was his grandsons.

The Marchwarden turned slightly green as he stood ramrod straight and nodded his understanding of the *order*. 'Entertain' was a code word for; ensure that they do not wreak mayhem and devastation on the inhabitants of the Golden Wood. The twins looked at each other and burst into wide, mischievous grins - grins that would have had their father turning out every available warrior in Imladris to watch their every movement. They were going to have such fun they thought.

Generally, by their very existence, the sons of Elrond tested the calm and patience of the young Marchwarden. It did not take much to send him over the edge. The first such incident occurred the very next day. The three young elves were practicing their archery skills. Haldir was very proud of his skills and smirked as the twins made shots that did not match his own in accuracy. Elladan and Elrohir were getting very tired of the smirks and condescending comments made by the haughty elf.

Haldir went to collect his spent arrows and was just pulling one from the 'bullseye' of the target in front of him when an arrow whizzed by over his head. Shocked and annoyed at first but then amused that the arrow was nowhere near the target, he continued to remove his arrows, turning slightly to smirk yet again at the twins. He had but a moment to register that the twins were sporting smirks of their own when he found himself covered suddenly in a foul smelling white liquid. It took a moment to register what covered him from head to toe. Whichever of the twins had fired the shot, severed the rope that was holding a skin filled with cream that had been hung in the tree to sour naturally for subsequent use in a variety of elven dishes.

One look at the almost feral glint in the Marchwarden's expression convinced the twins that they should remove themselves from sight… and with much haste. Haldir counted to five hundred as he went to remove the foul smelling white liquid from his hair, ears, face, tunic, leggings, underthings, boots…

Whilst the first incident caused a crack in the wall of the dam, the second incident was to precipitate it's bursting.

Clean, dry but in an extremely foul mood, Haldir found the two young demons running in the opposite direction having seen him coming. Pride having been assaulted mightily and temper boiling over, Haldir gave chase. Sensing a trap as he weaved past a tree the young warrior managed to throw himself sideways, just in time to dodge a missile that then burst on contact with the tree, spilling its contents over the forest floor. A burst of very powerful smelling floral perfume assaulted Haldir's sensitive elven nose.

Before the twin still holding a skin filled with perfume could launch the missile Haldir sprang to his feet, lunged and grabbed the young elf managing to wrestle the perfume-filled skin from him. Elrohir, the twin in question, turned and bolted. Fuming, Haldir threw the skin at the young elf just in time to see the goblin dodge around… Lord Celeborn. The missile hit the elven Lord in the centre of his chest and burst spilling its contents all over the elder elf.

Haldir, eyes wide, stood frozen as did the twins who looked like identical startled rabbits peeping around a tree.

Taking a very deep, calming breath the Lord of the Golden Wood turned around and began to climb the stairs back to his talan.

"Come," he commanded in a quiet voice, one that no elf would dare disobey.

After removing what he could of the intensely powerful floral perfume, Celeborn retuned from the bedchamber to the centre part of the talan. All three young ones were where he had left them, each in a corner. After hearing the explanations, the elven Lord decided on the punishment. Taking a wooden paddle from the top drawer of an ornate wood cabinet that stood against the east wall, Celeborn walked over to a desk that was situated to the side of the room near the west wall. Deciding that it would be unfair to punish either twin first, the elven Lord decided to punish them together and called them over to him.

Gulping as they turned around, the twins cringed as they saw the paddle their grandfather was holding.

"Come, elflings," Celeborn sighed quietly. "I would like to see you two get through just one visit to Lórien without the need for disciplinary measures," the elven Lord continued as he waved the twins towards the desk.

Both twins walked to their grandfather from different corners, pulled down their leggings and lowered themselves over the desk side-by-side.

Although gentle by nature, Celeborn was known for being very strict in terms of discipline. The elven Lord wasted no time in starting the chastisement as he methodically paddled each of his grandson's buttocks alternately. It was not long before both twins were promising anything they could think of in the hope of stopping the punishing whacks to their rear-ends. After a few more whacks to their 'sit spots', Lord Celeborn stopped the punishment and rubbed each back in gentle circles. When they had calmed enough, he turned them around and hugged them both tightly. After several long moments Celeborn instructed his grandsons to go into his bedchamber. The twins both pulled up their leggings, eliciting identical sounding hisses and did as their grandfather asked.

The elven Lord moved the tall backed chair from its place at the desk and moved it into the centre of the room and sat down upon its cushioned seat.

"Haldir," Celeborn said as he sniffed at the still very powerful smell of perfume that seemed to have soaked into his very skin.

The young Marchwarden stiffened, turned around, walked over the elder elf and stood at attention.

"The twins have been punished for their culpability in this matter. What is yours, pen-neth?" Celeborn asked as he studied his young ward.

"Pride. Not being understanding of their lack of archery skills," Haldir replied in a serious and proud manner.

"Well, whichever let loose the arrow that cut the rope securing the skin to the tree, displayed admirable skill," Celeborn retorted with humour. "We have been through this before pen-neth and I forsee we will again," Celeborn added, his expression turning very serious as he gestured towards his lap.

Haldir responded to the unspoken command, pushing down his leggings and lowering himself over the elder elf's knees.

Disappointed that Haldir did not truly see his culpability and smelling another powerful wave of perfume assault his sensitive elven senses, Celeborn let loose with a mighty whack of the paddle to the young Marchwarden's behind.

"Owwwww!!!!" Haldir yelped as he began to understand how angry Lord Celeborn was at his behaviour. The elven Lord continued to land stinging whack after stinging whack. Proud as always, the young Marchwarden tried to take the punishment stoically after his initial outburst. Pride gave way eventually as the paddling continued at a fast and furious pace. Soon Haldir was wimpering, then sobbing and finally howling as the relentless paddling continued.

"I am sorry…please…stop…sorry," the young elf sobbed out contritely between gasps for breath.

Finally taking pity on the young one, Celeborn stopped the punishment and offered what comfort he could to his young ward. The elven Lord smiled at how his proud elfling always sought hugs after being well chastised - hugs that he was always willing to provide.


By the end of the story, Legolas, Faramir and both twins were laughing merrily.

"Haldir fell into a deep slumber that night and we were able to see the damage that grandfather had inflicted. His arse was about as colourful as yours is at present, Faramir," Elrohir concluded the story his brother had begun.

"Thank you for the reminder, my friend," Faramir admonished gently as he winced as yet another flare of pain was felt.

Thranduil arrived back and the three younger elves departed, smiling down at Faramir as they did so. The elven King sat down beside his human son, wincing slightly as he did so.

"Ada!" Faramir exclaimed quietly. "Are you alright?"

"Yes…yes…nothing is wrong, ion-nin," Thranduil replied as he smiled down at his son.

The young Steward of Gondor's eyes widened as he considered the possibilities but wisely kept his thoughts to himself.

NB: Please do not distribute (by any means, including email) or repost this story (including translations) without the author's prior permission. [ more ]

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8 Comment(s)

I love your stories! They a amazing!

— Ria    Thursday 28 February 2008, 4:31    #

Hi Ria,
Thank you for letting me know you enjoy my stories! Always nice to get feedback :)

KC    Friday 29 February 2008, 8:23    #

I just want to say THANK YOU!!!! Not only for writting a beautful story…but for not turning Thranduil into some heartless a—hole. I don’t know where people get thinking that the woodland king hats and wants all men to die, after all in The Hobbit, Thanduil helps the people of Laketown after it was attacked by Smuge and they said if it hadn’t had been for that them none of them would have survired the winter. But again thank you very much, Faramir needed someone to look after him and you gave him the perfect Daddy.

— Leigh Ann    Saturday 17 October 2009, 21:11    #

This has solidified Faramir’s standing as the greatest character of The Lord of the Rings, because, though he never had been and never would have been seen like this in book or movie, I can see how the man Tolkein wrote would be very capable of these things.
So congratulations, you’ve written him perfectly.
Best story ever!

— Anna    Friday 26 February 2010, 1:43    #

I have enjoyed reading all your stories so much, they have made me laugh and cry at the antics of faramir, and I love the relationship between faramir, his elvan family and the love for each other they share :)

— key    Monday 28 February 2011, 17:21    #

What a wonderful series! I’ve read to the end at least twice now, this is my third time through. Your characters are compelling and quite enchanting. Dear old Fara is wonderfully portrayed throughout, equal parts haunted and humorous with his and the elves antics! Great stuff!

— KateF    Tuesday 30 July 2013, 20:52    #

Thank you for writing such an enjoyable story, including family-like relationships between male characters. It was good, and very needed!

— Treedweller    Wednesday 16 January 2019, 8:38    #

It’s really great and I love it apart from the spanking bits but I’ll just grin and bare it. the idea of Faramir being adopted by thranny d is so cute and I love it.

— comrade hannah    Saturday 20 July 2019, 22:16    #

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