Faramir Fiction Archive

Because of You (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

24 December 2008 | 98532 words

Chapter 13

The next several weeks were spent traveling from Rohan to Gondor along the lesser used paths and trails. The first week or so, Faramir was so exhausted by the end of each days travel he practically fell asleep sitting at the campfire. So he and Haldir had not been intimate during that time, though they did share more than a few kisses, it wasn’t until Faramir’s strength had rebuilt enough that he wasn’t so tired that they spent some nights doing much more than sleeping. The next day was somewhat uncomfortable for the young man but as he’d told Haldir, what a nice reason to be uncomfortable.

When they began to get closer to Minas Tirith, Faramir began to worry; both about what his punishment would be for disobeying an order and about Haldir leaving him to go seek his death in battle. The thing that worried him most was his feelings for Haldir. If the Elf left only to die, Faramir was unsure how he would survive that. He had been falling in love with the Elf since the moment he’d laid eyes on him, he supposed and now… now that they’d made love or… at least in Faramir’s estimation it could be called that, it was even more difficult for him to imagine the Elf leaving. There were a few points where he actually considered throwing himself off his horse. Oh nothing drastic and only when they were along the edge of a cliff that he knew wasn’t horribly steep, all to have the excuse that he still needed Haldir. But likely the Elf would say there were plenty of healers in Minas Tirith and leave him anyway. His orders were not to stay longer than that.

So while the White City was in sight, Faramir felt any good humor slip away from him. When they passed the city gates and the guards heralded his return, Faramir merely smiled for effect. The seven rings of the city never seemed so long before to Faramir as they rode upwards to the citadel. Many people stopped what they were doing to bow their heads in respect for him and for his loss. Some stared at Haldir beside him but most bowed their heads as they passed as if grateful at least one of the Steward’s sons had returned.

“I feel as if we are riding in a funeral procession,” he murmured to Haldir beside him.

Sitting tall and proud on his horse, Haldir felt the same sadness settling on the shoulders of everyone they passed. It was obvious, however that Faramir was well thought of, and though he ignored the men and women lining the roads, he nevertheless felt proud that they paid his lover such respect. “I think they are glad to have you back, safe and sound,” he said softly. He was already planning on leaving the city the first thing the next morning, so he saw no point in even trying to be civil to anyone. As he stole a look at the man beside him however, he frowned and slowed his mount. “Though… you do not look overly thrilled to be home. It is because your brother is not here or is there something else?”

“I am not particularly looking forward with meeting my father today… not just because I disobeyed him… that at least I have done before… but… Boromir was his… his favorite I suppose is the best way to say it. He was the oldest and was very close to father… I am not looking forward to seeing how much my brother’s death may have hurt him. And…” he paused and looked at Haldir for a long moment unsure if he should say the rest. It was no secret between them what Haldir’s plans were and… no secret that Faramir did not agree with them. “And I am not looking forward to you leaving… I think… I think that is most of it really.” He stopped then not wanting to say anything more that would make him sound like a lovesick fool, though he wanted to say much.

Haldir wondered how Faramir’s father could have a son he valued more than Faramir. Before he could ask, however, his lover continued, making Haldir stop his horse dead in it’s tracks. He hadn’t even really come to terms with it himself, but he was going to miss Faramir… it wasn’t until this very moment he understood that Faramir was going to miss him too. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why, though. “I… Faramir, I…” He looked completely bewildered for a moment, thankful that no one was close enough to hear them. “You will find another lover, if that is what worries you. I was only joking when I said no one else would please you as a lover after you had been with me. I’m sure you will find someone as good – or almost as good…”

Faramir stopped his horse as well and smiled slightly at Haldir. “No… that is not what worries me… and I hate to feed your ego but I highly doubt I’ll find someone I… enjoy being with so much,” he said softly. He looked away after a moment and began moving again. “I cannot help but wish you would find a reason not to leave tomorrow though…” he added as they climbed the last cobblestone street to the citadel. Before Haldir could answer, Faramir saw his father standing at the top of the steps, his dark robes fluttering in the breeze and could see a deep frown marring his face. A face that not so many years ago smiled often, though not anymore.

Faramir dismounted and walked with Haldir toward the dark figure on the steps. “Father,” he said offering a small smile.

Denethor didn’t turn to look at his son, and if he heard Faramir speaking, he gave no sign of it. Instead, he stared off into the distance, muttering to himself and worrying the edges of his robe with his fingers. One of his guards, who was standing just behind him, took pity on Faramir and moved closer to Denethor, whispering something softly against his ear. After a moment of confusion, the steward blinked and slowly turned his gaze toward his son. “You may address me as Lord Denethor, or my Lord, or my Lord Steward. But do not call me Father. I have no sons.” His words betrayed him, letting everyone present know he’d heard himself being addressed, but even those closest to him, would never have known the distance. Denethor was lost in a madness of his own making…and no one in Gondor knew how to help him.

Faramir looked at his father strangely, not understanding why he had not even looked at him when he spoke and then when his father did look at him, he felt as if he’d been punched. He recoiled slightly and stared in disbelief for a moment. “I am your son, Faramir,” he said softly trying to understand what was wrong. “I… I am sorry that I left the way I did, but I have returned. I… what did Gandalf tell you? Surely he told you I was alive?” Faramir was as confused as he could possibly be and searched his father’s face for some sign that he recognized him at least.

Haldir, seeing the confusion on Faramir’s face and hearing the pain in his voice moved closer and though he didn’t reach out to touch him, he tried to at least let him know that he was there. “He is confused, Faramir,” the Elf whispered. “Look at his eyes. They look… unnatural.”

The very eyes Haldir spoke of narrowed as they took in the blond creature behind Faramir and his hands clenched into fists. He no longer knew friend from enemy and reached inside his robe for a small dagger. “You, boy… you captured this Elf? Why are his hands free? And why on all of Arda are you staring at me like that? Take your prisoner to the barracks and get out of my sight. I do not have time for your endless babbling and requests. I am waiting for someone… someone very important.”

Faramir stumbled backwards, automatically throwing his arms out in a gesture of protection to Haldir behind him. “He is no prisoner! We are not at war with Elves,” he snapped quickly and was relieved when one of the guards moved forward and wrested the dagger from his father’s fingers. Faramir stared at him, blinking away tears that gathered quickly in his eyes. His father truly had lost all touch with reality.

“He grows worse this time of day… you might try again… tomorrow,” the guard said as he secured the dagger and pulled the Steward back up the steps. “Seek out Gandalf, he is here in the citadel and might be able to explain.”

“He does not even know me,” Faramir whispered as he turned to look at Haldir who seemed almost as shocked as he was by the display.

Haldir couldn’t help but notice how Faramir, for the second time, was ready to protect him without thought for this own safety. Denethor, who did not even know his own son, could easily have slain him in his effort to kill the Elf he apparently thought was his sworn enemy. “Perhaps he is only ill,” he suggested, noticing how all eyes were on them, but quickly looked away as he lifted his gaze. Gods, he hated seeing Faramir this upset, and he didn’t even understand why it bothered him so much. They were merely lovers – nothing more and nothing less. … Weren’t they? “Come, let us clean up a bit and go find Gandalf. Perhaps he can explain.” As he spoke, he offered his hand to Faramir – the first time he had ever made such a gesture. It was the only way he knew how to coax Faramir away from prying eyes and the whispers that had already begun.

Faramir was so shaken that Haldir’s hand offered before him was like a lifeline and he clung to it, his eyes blurred with tears. “I just do not understand… he… he was fine when I left… well… not fine but… but not like this. He… he did not even recognize me. I knew he would take Boromir’s death hard but… I never imagined this. I… I had thought he would rant and rave and possibly order me to be flogged a few times for disobeying him… Gods, I would gladly take a lashing over this,” he was practically babbling as he clung to Haldir’s hand and they walked away. Faramir turned them in the direction of his rooms but was hardly paying attention to anything around them.

Unsure of what to say or how to calm Faramir, Haldir simply let him talk as they walked down the long hallways to where he assumed Faramir’s chambers lay. “You are not taking a lashing,” he finally cut in, “and we will find out what is wrong with him. Surely it is something we can fix… and things will go back to normal for your father… and yourself.”

Faramir looked up, slightly startled by the firmness of Haldir’s words about him not taking a lashing and then the words ‘we can fix’ confused him. “We? But… but you are leaving tomorrow…” Faramir said as they stopped before his chamber. There were guards posted there and he frowned. “What is this?”

“The Steward posted us here to keep even the maids out of your chambers, he did not want anything touched or even cleaned while you were… gone,” the guard said carefully.

“As you can see I am back… I do not need guards,” Faramir said frowning deeper when the guards did not move. “I said, I do not need guards.”

“We… hesitate to let even you inside or to leave without your father’s orders. I… am sorry but… I am afraid it would only serve to upset him.”

Faramir gaped at the guard he’d known for years and sighed heavily. “Fine… I will go to one of the guest chambers,” he sighed heavily and looked at Haldir beside him sadly. “This is not the return home I had thought it would be.”

Haldir tried not to glare outright at the guard who was upsetting Faramir even more, but failed miserably. Still, he thought, it would serve no purpose to make the already troubled steward even worse within moments of arriving in Gondor, especially not if they were going to get to the bottom of whatever was making him act so oddly. “I know,” he said, patting Faramir on the shoulder and giving the guard one final glare. “Show me the guest rooms. We can clean up there while we figure out a way to make your father better. As for my leaving tomorrow… I think I will stay until this is settled. I was ordered to keep you safe and deliver you to Gondor. Just because I delivered you to Gondor, however, does not mean you are safe yet.”

Faramir looked up at Haldir as they began to walk again. “But… Gods… you do not think?” his words trailed off as he looked seriously at his lover, thrilled when the words sunk in that Haldir was staying. If he weren’t so worried and confused he would have probably broken out in a huge smile, instead he simply looked at Haldir for a stunned moment. “You do not think he would… would do anything to hurt me? That dagger…” Faramir trailed off unable to really decide himself if his father would have actually used it. When they reached one of the guest rooms, Faramir pushed open the door and sighed heavily as they stepped into the room.

“We need to get one thing straight,” Haldir said a bit more firmly than he meant to as he followed Faramir into the room and shut the door behind him. “You must stop putting yourself between me and whatever fate awaits me. Your father was not in his right mind, and had he attacked me, you could have been killed.” The very thought made him almost sick, and as he placed his hands on Faramir’s shoulders and turned the young man to face him, he didn’t know if he was angry or just guilty that this Ranger thought he, an Elf needed such protection. “Your people need you, Faramir. When someone needs you, you should never be cavalier with your life.”

Faramir frowned when Haldir spoke to him that way and when the Elf grabbed his arms to turn him like he did, he almost jerked away. He felt scolded, like a small child and on top of everything else he was feeling at the moment it was not helping matters. “I was not… I did… it was just a reaction, I did not even think before I did it. I know you are capable of protecting yourself, it was just… it happened so fast,” he said struggling for words, none of them remotely what he felt in that single moment. The only thing he had felt when he had seen the dagger and his father come at them was protecting Haldir… because… he loved him. The realization that he was no longer falling in love but in love with the Elf was enough to almost break him then. Biting his lip, he shook his head and finally jerked away from Haldir’s grasp. “I am sorry.” Though his words sounded anything but as he walked over to the fireplace and put his hands on the mantle, hanging his head and closing his eyes. You truly are a fool, Faramir.

Haldir’s hands fell to his side and he silently cursed himself for making Faramir feel worse. Gods, he would never understand all these emotions or how to deal with them! “Faramir, I just…” He sighed, crossed the room and stopped just behind his lover. “I did not mean to make you feel worse. I just… I do not want you to put a life that has meaning before one that is going to end soon anyway. And… besides…” His words trailed off and he looked away, actually wanting to touch Faramir, but not knowing if he should, or even how to do it correctly at any rate. “I did not like seeing you hurt. It… it upsets me for some reason I cannot even begin to explain. If I am to help you get to the bottom of your father’s illness, then I think we should both be as calm and rational as possible… do you not agree?”

Faramir looked up from berating himself for falling in love with an Elf who did not wish to even be alive in a few days time. When he turned to look at Haldir though, he saw such… compassion that it almost took his breath away. Haldir was truly trying to help, and he knew how foreign this all was to the Elf. Touched beyond words from his admission of not liking seeing him hurt or understanding the feeling, Faramir reached out and curled his fingers around his lover’s hand. “You are right… and… you did not make me feel worse, not really. I do not think I could bear this right now if I did not have you here with me,” he admitted and moved closer. He knew Haldir was not the ‘hugging’ sort of Elf but that did not mean Faramir could not hug him did it? So he wrapped his arms around his lover and rested his head against his chest. “Thank you,” he whispered blinking away the tears that were still threatening to fall.

Haldir stiffened momentarily as Faramir’s arms wrapped around him. “You are a good man, Faramir,” he said, finally realizing that he should return the hug. “You should not know such unhappiness.” His own arms moved to rest over his lover’s shoulders and he looked down at the handsome face resting against him. Blue eyes were once again blurred with tears, and Haldir fought the urge to simply untangle himself and leave the room at once. He remembered, however, Gandalf’s instructions and, leaving one arm around Faramir’s shoulders, he reached down and took his hand with the other, then kissed him soundly. “There… you cannot cry when I do all the things I am supposed to do. So… I would ask you to just STOP right now, Faramir. In fact I demand it.”

Feeling Haldir’s arms wrap around him, brought a small smile to Faramir’s lips and then it seemed suddenly his lips were captured in a sweet kiss that was so deep it practically made his toes curl. Breathless when Haldir drew away, he laughed softly even as a tear escaped and slid down his cheek. “I am sorry, Haldir. I know this… unsettles you,” he smiled and took a deep breath. “This does help… you holding me… more than you could possibly know,” he whispered, pulling Haldir even tighter against him. Gods, how could this have happened? How could he have returned home to his father behaving this way? How could he have fallen in love with an Elf who wished for nothing more than to die as soon as he got the chance to leave? He never truly understood his visions but most had a point or some reason for them but now he doubted himself, doubted following his heart… doubted everything. “We should get changed and go seek out Gandalf… I need to know what is going on with my father… and what I need to do.”

Haldir started to release Faramir, but at the last moment, came up with what he considered a brilliant idea. Keeping Faramir’s hand held firmly in his own, he led him over to the fireplace and gestured toward the logs and twigs that were just waiting to be lit. “Yes, your tears do unsettle me quite a bit,” he agreed matter-of-factly. “However, if my holding you truly helps, then I do not mind. You look exhausted, Faramir. I could make us a fire while you clean off, then we can sit here until after dinner. Gandalf will not be going anywhere, and though I know you are anxious to know what has happened, I think you are on the verge of overdoing yourself. I will even sit here and hold you until you feel better if you promise not to squirm too much.”

Faramir looked up, slightly surprised as Haldir pulled away but didn’t release his hand. He looked down at the waiting kindling and back up at Haldir. “It does help and… I am tired,” he admitted and sighed. “I will not take long,” he said leaning over and brushing his lips sweetly against Haldir’s before moving over to the bed and picked up a robe that had been left there for whatever guests took the room. He slipped into the bathing chamber and quickly cleaned himself. His shoulder was completely healed now but it seemed to ache, perhaps because he was so tired? He pulled on the robe and when he walked back into the other room, Haldir was sitting on the soft rug before a now blazing fire. “You look comfortable,” he commented as he settled on his knees next to him.

Oddly enough, Haldir found that he felt almost… lonely while Faramir was gone. Almost. Shaking his head at himself, he smiled up at his lover and nodded. “Aye, it is a most comfortable rug, and the fire is quite warm. I am still worried about your wound, so I sent one of the servants with instructions to bring us dinner in an hour and to bring us Gandalf shortly thereafter. The girl looked a bit concerned about taking orders from an Elf, but did as she was told. This way, at least, you will not have to change clothes again, nor will we have to hunt Gandalf. Let him do the hunting this time.”

Faramir almost laughed when Haldir spoke of the maid, imagining that it wasn’t the fact Haldir was an Elf giving her orders but the manner in which they were given. Faramir’s shoulder bore a scar but he was fine, he ached a bit sometimes and grew tired more easily but he did not say anything. If Haldir was willing to actually hold him in front of the fireplace and make him feel taken care of, Faramir certainly wasn’t going to complain. Leaning close he brushed his lips gently against Haldir’s and smiled. “Thank you, Haldir,” he whispered.

Haldir looked vaguely bewildered by the sweet kiss, uncertain of what, exactly, he’d done to deserve either it or a thank you. “There is no need to thank me,” he said, though the kiss gave him a rather odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. “It is the least I can do. Besides, if you cannot go to your room tonight, I suppose you will have to stay here with me. I prefer you rested and calm, rather than crying and exhausted, so this works out well for us both.” In truth, he enjoyed holding Faramir – he simply never thought of it until Faramir brought it up. And while he didn’t – and likely never would – understand how his arms could bring comfort, there was no denying that Faramir always seemed to enjoy the feeling of being held when he was upset. It was far from an unpleasant task, and the least he could do, Haldir decided.

Faramir smiled and scooted closer, resting his head against Haldir’s shoulder. “It does help, I hope Gandalf has some answers because I just cannot understand why my father did not even recognize me. He… he acted as if I was just another guard or soldier,” Faramir sighed as he stared into the flames. “I knew losing Boromir would be hard for him, it is hard for me too. I have to admit though… I am glad you are staying at least… at least until this is all straightened out. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

Every time Haldir put his arms around Faramir, they seemed to fit a bit better, and this time was no exception. While he wasn’t exactly comfortable holding anyone, he could think of far worse fates to suffer. Still… it felt odd that Faramir wanted him to stay. If their positions had been reversed, Haldir would have wanted everyone as far away as possible while he dealt with everything, but, of course, it wasn’t like anyone would offer to help anyway. “I was ordered to keep you safe,” he shrugged. “And I cannot leave until I feel you are no longer in danger… even if that danger is from your own father.” He too stared into the flames for a moment and sighed. “Was he acting normally when you left Gondor, or had this darkness already touched him?”

Faramir frowned when Haldir spoke of protecting him from his father. “He has not acted normally in about a year, perhaps more but nothing like this. He was perfectly rational before I left, angry all the time and extremely difficult but… not completely out of touch with reality. At one time he was a man who enjoyed laughing but in the last year especially I do not believe I’ve heard him truly laugh once. He had moments where he would grow silent, even at the dinner table, and then suddenly his mood would shift abruptly from either happy to sad or even sad to oddly too happy. That night when I left, we had argued about aiding Rohan and he had dismissed me the way he has the last few months. Basically telling me to go away… it had grown so that I really did not know when I had done something to irritate him because sometimes it seemed just breathing did…”

Haldir’s brow furrowed as he pictured Denethor ‘dismissing’ Faramir. “Well, you irritate me constantly, but I do not make you leave,” he stated, again not realizing just how rude he could truly be. “I know he is your father, and I know you are a grown man who can defend himself, but I am not going to stand quietly aside and let him disrespect you. You are the bravest, most selfless man I know, and should be treated as such.”

Faramir laughed softly and looked up at Haldir. “No, you just argue back,” he grinned, enjoying the fact that Haldir had given him something to smile about, even if he hadn’t really meant to. His smiled widened as Haldir went on truly appreciating his words and the sentiment behind them. “I just never know how to react to him is all… others I can but… all I’ve ever wanted to do is please him and lately it seems nothing I do can ever please him… especially now. He doesn’t even know I am here. Surely Gandalf told him I was alive… Gods… maybe he should not have told him I was injured?”

“I am sure Gandalf would have held back the information, had he thought it best,” Haldir murmured. “I do not trust many people, but I do trust him and his judgment has seldom been wrong. I hope he can tell us what has happened, but if not… perhaps you should speak to someone about having your father replaced as steward of the city.” Haldir had never been close to his father, and had no idea how difficult such a suggestion could be on everyone involved, but it made perfect sense to him. If Denethor could not run the city, then someone who could should replace him.

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