Faramir Fiction Archive

A Change of Heart (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

03 March 2006 | 41243 words

Chapter 4

Haldir sat quietly in front of the blazing fire, his broken leg propped up on a stool, the combination of the orange flames and the blanket Faramir had tucked around his shoulders before he’d left to go hunting keeping him warm and comfortable. A small smile played on his lips as he remembered Faramir’s sweet kiss and the gentle brush of his fingertips through his hair before he turned away. They had settled into the cabin and a comfortable routine. Faramir had managed to scrounge up some vegetables, roots, and herbs that had somehow escaped the frigid cold, and, after settling Haldir in a chair and seeing to his leg, he headed out to hunt while Haldir rested and readied as much of their meal as he could. It felt… warm, cozy, domestic… and perfect.

Haldir counted the days until he could help with the hunting and everything else that Faramir did, but also felt his healing would be a double-edged sword. On one hand, his leg was getting better every day and the pain was more of an annoyance than anything else, as long as he didn’t try to put too much weight on it. When his leg healed, he knew he and Faramir could finally let things move beyond their loving kisses and gentle touches. He wanted to explore every inch of Faramir’s body, and Faramir had said more than once that he wished to do the same to Haldir.

On the other hand… when he was healed… what would happen next? Men were forbidden in the Golden Wood, and Haldir was quickly coming to realize that what he was feeling for Faramir was much, much more than simple attraction or lust. It felt… real. Like nothing he’d ever felt before. Maybe if I explained how he saved me, they would allow him passage… would allow him to live with me? Lord Celeborn would surely trust me enough, if I vouched for Faramir. Which I would do without the slightest hesitation.

Then again, Haldir knew Faramir was attracted to him, but he had no idea if it went any further than that on his part. He’d stated that he could never go back to Gondor, nor would he want to… but he hadn’t said he wanted to be where Haldir was. His every touch was tender and careful, and often, Haldir had opened his eyes to find Faramir smiling down at him as they lay in bed, gently running his fingers through Haldir’s hair and soothing him back to sleep when the pain in his leg woke him. But what did that mean, exactly?

His thoughts turned dark, and the happiness he’d felt earlier was washed away with every scenario that played through his mind. Quite simply, he didn’t want Faramir to leave. Ever. And they’d not really discussed anything beyond Haldir’s leg healing. Would Faramir simply want to make love… or… have sex and leave afterward?

Gods… I’m driving myself crazy!

With Haldir’s help the last few days Faramir had fashioned a new bow for him to hunt with, along with arrows. He’d managed to find feathers for the fletching on one of his hunts for firewood around the cabin, and it had given them something to do when it was simply too cold to even attempt to venture out of the cabin. The bow had certainly made hunting much easier and allowed Faramir to kill larger prey.

On his way back to the cabin with a deer that would feed them for at least a week since the cold showed no signs of fading anytime soon, Faramir thought about the last few days. He and Haldir had settled into the cabin and a routine that suited them both. Haldir’s leg was already starting to heal much quicker now and Faramir looked forward to the days when Haldir could accompany him when he hunted. He found that in just the few hours he spent away from the cabin he would worry about Haldir. If another party of orcs were to come through here they would see the smoke from the chimney, and Haldir had little to defend himself since his own bow wasn’t finished yet. The more Faramir thought the more he worried, and he picked up his pace going back to the cabin. When he arrived and nothing was out of sorts he breathed a sigh of relief.

He wrapped the deer in burlap and buried it under several inches of snow to keep. He shook off as much snow as he could and pushed open the door to find Haldir where he’d left him, peeling the potatoes he’d found. “The bow certainly worked,” he grinned, “we should have fresh venison for at least a week, if not longer, as long as the snow lasts.” He took off his cloak and hung it on the peg next to the fireplace.

Haldir did his best to push his dark mood away and smiled at Faramir as he walked through the door. I wish it would never stop snowing and we could stay here, like this forever… just the two of us. “I’m glad,” he said, forcing a note of cheerfulness to his voice as he shifted in his chair. “Though I’m sure your hunting skills had as much, if not more, to do with it than the bow. Either way, I can’t say that the very thought of venison doesn’t make my mouth water.”

Faramir smiled as he warmed his hands by the fire and shook his head. “Well, without the bow, my hunting skills would be pretty useless… I could track the deer and then just try and scare it to death, I guess,” he joked purposefully, trying to make Haldir laugh. It seemed that even though Haldir smiled, it hadn’t quite reached his eyes, and Faramir wondered if perhaps he was feeling uncomfortable because he wasn’t able to join him hunting because of his injury.

Haldir did laugh at Faramir’s words. When Faramir was around, it was far easier to push away the sadness that seemed to overtake him when he was alone. He was sure that part of the reason for… this… depression, or whatever it was, was his inability to help Faramir do much of anything, and his inability to show him how he felt, how much he wanted him. And it wasn’t something he could really bring himself to talk about… at least not yet. Eventually, they would have to talk about it, he knew, but for now, he was content to simply put it off until the last moment, just in case Faramir would break the news to him that he needed to tell him goodbye… forever. “I guess if I hadn’t insisted on staying clean, you could have just carried me close to the deer, and he’d have died from the scent of dirty Elf,” he teased.

Faramir snorted and shook his head. “So what were you thinking about? You seemed a bit… serious, when I first walked in?” Faramir asked, turning to look at Haldir and noticing the way his eyes seemed to flicker away from him. Faramir knew that he simply worried too much and too often, but he didn’t think he’d imagined the sadness in Haldir’s eyes. Perhaps Haldir simply missed his home and his brothers. Faramir missed his brother, Boromir, but he had already made the decision not to return to Gondor. He could not, not after he had defied his father’s orders, and certainly not after he’d discovered in the last few days that his feelings for Haldir went far further than simple attraction.

Worrying his bottom lip for a moment, Haldir turned back to the fire and sighed. “I was… just thinking how useless I feel,” he said, telling only half the truth. “I can’t wait for my leg to heal so I can help you hunt and cook, and… everything else that I can’t seem to do these days. I just feel I’m a burden. It’s nothing you’ve done… it’s just that I’m not used to letting anyone do things for me.” And, more importantly, I need to know how you feel about me, but I’m too much of a coward to ask just yet.

Faramir sighed and lowered himself into a crouch next to Haldir’s chair and took his hand. “You are not a burden, Haldir. And you have done much to help me. You helped with my bow and the arrows, and you’ve helped me cook when you could. I cannot say that I do not want you to heal and join me hunting, but not because of any other reason than I enjoy your companionship,” he said softly as he looked up at Haldir. “When I was on my way back here, in fact, I thought about having you with me to hunt. I… I miss you when I’m not here, and I worry about you as well. I have been injured before myself and unable to help and… I know it can get to you. Especially when you are accustomed to doing for yourself or even for others. You said you had younger brothers, so I’m sure it feels awkward to be the one taken care of and not the one doing the care taking. That feeling will pass once you heal more.” Faramir smiled up at him and rubbed his thumb over the back of Haldir’s hand gently as an offer of comfort.

A slow smile spread across Haldir’s face and he curled his fingers around Faramir’s hand. Their gazes met, and Haldir simply sat in silence for a moment before he found his voice. “You miss me?” he asked softly. “I… I miss you, too. From the moment you walk out that door. And that feeling doesn’t go away until you open it again and smile at me.” Bringing Faramir’s hands up to his lips, Haldir pressed his lips against each knuckle, wincing as he felt how cold Faramir’s skin was from being outside in the snow. “I just want you to relax and let me take care of you the minute I can walk again.”

Faramir felt his heart skip from the way Haldir smiled at him, and he found himself smiling in return as the Elf kissed his knuckles so tenderly. “I would enjoy that, and as quickly as you are healing already, it won’t be too much longer,” he said, still smiling. Haldir, being an Elf, had certainly shown Faramir the differences between their races. Haldir was already healing much faster than a Man would with the same injury. Faramir stayed watching him for a moment and then stood up and kissed Haldir’s forehead sweetly. “And I want you to know, that each time I open that door, and you smile at me, my heart feels lighter, Haldir. Just from your smile alone,” he whispered as he drew away.

Haldir’s smile only grew wider, and it finally touched his eyes as he gazed up at Faramir. He moved one step closer to completely losing his heart to this captain of Gondor. If the Lord Celeborn will not accept him into our lands, then… I will not return home either. I will stay by Faramir’s side for as long as he will allow it. I’m falling in love with him.. “I can’t seem to stop smiling when you’re around,” he said as Faramir pulled away. “I… I find myself enjoying our little cabin more every day. If it were safe from the orcs, I’m not even sure I’d ever want to leave.” He was tentatively feeling his way toward the bigger conversation… one that he still might not be quite ready for, but one that didn’t seem as far away as it had only a few minutes earlier either.

Faramir smiled and sat down on a chair next to Haldir. He looked around the cabin and felt his chest tighten as Haldir called it ‘our little cabin’. “I like it here as well. I grew up in a city that was beautiful, made of hard stone and beautiful white marble. As a son of the Steward our home was particularly beautiful, but it was not at all like this cabin. This… feels more like a home to me than where I grew up, if that makes sense. It is a part of the wood and has quite literally saved both our lives. I do not think that I look forward to ever leaving it, but you are right… it isn’t safe. Just the two of us here, that is probably why the owner is no longer here,” Faramir said sadly. He was grateful to whomever had built the cabin, and perhaps it would be tribute enough if the builder was gone from this world to the halls of his fathers that his former home saved two lives.

Haldir reached over and entwined his fingers with Faramir’s once again, loving the way their hands seemed to fit together so perfectly. He couldn’t help but think that their bodies would be perfect matches as well, once they were free to do more than hold hands and kiss. Elves may heal faster than men, but it’s not fast enough! “We’ll find a safe place,” Haldir said softly. “At least… until we decide where our lives will take us next.” Take us together, wherever it may be, I hope.

Faramir smiled when Haldir spoke. “We will, wherever that may be, at least we will be together,” he said without really thinking about how the words might be taken. In his own mind, he did not see a time when he wished to be apart from Haldir. He had no idea what the coming months would bring, but he knew in his heart that he wanted his life to include Haldir. Even if they never acted on their attraction with more than the most innocent of touches and kisses, he would just be happy to be by Haldir’s side, but he knew that was unfair. Haldir had a life to return to in Lórien, and he doubted that Men would be any more welcome there than an Elf would be in Gondor.

Haldir sat up straighter in his chair and swallowed the lump in his throat. Maybe… maybe it is time for that talk. Now? And… maybe it won’t be as bad as I think it will be? “I… Faramir, I…” He stopped, took a deep breath, and started over again. “So… you see us being together after… after my leg heals? You… want to… be with me, I mean?” He shook his head and held up one hand before Faramir could answer. “Because… honestly, that’s what I was thinking about when you came in. I was afraid that you’d want us to go our separate ways, and… I didn’t want that. I don’t want that.”

Faramir was slightly shocked by Haldir’s question and started to answer him, but held his tongue as Haldir continued. When he said the words that he was afraid that he would want them to go their separate ways Faramir was already shaking his head. “I don’t want that either… I have already said that I do not wish to go back to Gondor… and I have no other place in this world. If you do want me to stay, I will, because I honestly don’t wish to leave. I enjoy being with you… and… well,” he paused feeling his face flush, “I… do hope that once you are healed we… can share more than kisses.” His face burned with the admission. Even though they had both admitted their mutual attraction, neither of them had really brought up much more about it.

Haldir looked down shyly at their entwined hands and felt his face flush as well. “I hope that too,” he said softly. “My leg is… much better now. And… there are… other things we can do until… well, until we can… make love. Things that… that I would honestly love to share with you now.” After a moment, he looked up and finally met Faramir’s gaze. “But you’re wrong about one thing. You do have a place in this world. With me. We’ll find our own place together. If you would like to come back to Lórien with me, I will do everything in my power to make sure you can live there, with me, in peace and happiness. If not… then I will not be returning there. We will simply find a place where we are both accepted, where no one cares that we are a Man and an Elf.”

Swallowing hard, Faramir felt his pulse skip when Haldir spoke of the other things they could do, but then his heart seemed to simply melt within his chest when Haldir said he would have a place with him. “Together,” he whispered softly. “If it would be allowed, I would be glad to return to Lórien with you, and if not, we will find our own place. Knowing that I will never have to stand alone makes turning my back on everything I have known… easier,” Faramir said, squeezing Haldir’s hand gently. He felt touched that Haldir wanted to be with him, and he wondered if perhaps he might just feel the way Faramir did, but he was too afraid to ask. They still had only known each other for a short time, and though Faramir was certain what he felt for Haldir was much more than attraction, he wasn’t sure how Haldir felt. Perhaps over time they would be able to answer those questions.

Haldir squeezed Faramir’s hand again and, careful to rest his weight on his good leg, slid from the chair to sit on the stool his leg had been resting on. His bad leg rested against the floor, and a small smile passed his lips when he realized that the pain was minimal. Pulling Faramir’s chair closer, Haldir rested his elbows lightly on his soon-to-be-lover’s thighs and studied him seriously. It was important to him that Faramir see that he meant every word he was about to say and saw that he had no reservations whatsoever. “You will never have to stand alone,” he said firmly. “As long as you want me by your side, that’s where I will be. I promise you that. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Watching Haldir shift positions, Faramir felt a stab of worry and concern flood through him, but he sat still, afraid of making Haldir feel coddled if he tried to help him. When Haldir pulled his chair closer he smiled and looked down at him even as Haldir gazed up at him. “There is nowhere else I wish to be, either,” he whispered. Faramir raised his hand and let the back of his fingers caress Haldir’s cheek as he watched the sparkling eyes before him. He could easily lose himself in Haldir’s eyes, and his heart was suddenly tripping within his chest.

Closing his eyes and simply enjoying the gentle touch, Haldir felt loved. He didn’t have to hear the words… at least not yet. “I… I think that my leg is much better,” he said as he moved to let his hands trail up over Faramir’s thighs. “In fact, I think a bit more… activity would be good for me.” Dragging his gaze away from Faramir’s, whose eyes were steadily becoming darker, Haldir took a deep breath and nodded toward the bed. “Maybe we can move over to the bed? And… not have to stop kissing for fear of hurting me this time?”

The heat that raced through his veins was almost staggering as Haldir suggested they move to the bed. Faramir’s mouth was suddenly dry, and he swallowed hard as he nodded. Without a single word, he stood up and scooped Haldir into his arms, like so many times before, and carried him to the bed. Instead of laying Haldir on the bed as he always did, he sat down with Haldir in his lap. “I… I am afraid of hurting you, so please… tell me what you want… what will be easiest for you,” he whispered, barely recognizing his own voice. His heart was pounding in his chest, and already from just the idea of being with Haldir in that way, his arousal was growing rapidly.

NB: Please do not distribute (by any means, including email) or repost this story (including translations) without the author's prior permission. [ more ]

Enjoyed this story? Then be sure to let the author know by posting a comment at https://www.faramirfiction.com/fiction/a-change-of-heart. Positive feedback is what keeps authors writing more stories!