Faramir Fiction Archive

If you can't see me as who I am, then why bother? (NC-17)

Written by Laivindur

22 April 2012 | 74699 words | Work in Progress

Chapter 6

A conjugated lord in a black robe sat in his chambers and stared at the rain which attacked the pane of wavy glass. His eyes were filled with doubt, hate and worries. The soft and royal yet dull grey hair reflected the many cold years the steward’s heart had been through, and the tormented soul of Denethor grew colder and colder past the years.
Denethor had seen the king of Rohan enter his city from his window, but had not bothered to leave the tower of Echtelion in the middle of the night as his youngest could make up for their stay. He knew the servants would make a comfortable stay for the king until the next day, maybe then he would be in the mood to meet him, and that disobedient son of his.

No one was aloud to the tower except the steward and his most entrusted, so news from the guards or servants was not being given to him. Faramir had reassured both guards and servants that he would take care of the guests so his father was not disturbed in his sleep.

Not only did Faramir come home with the company, he came home too early, and this had worried Faramir as he knew his father wouldn’t like having him flying in and out the gates when he should be out spying. However, the Captain judged it far better that he and his rangers would lead the troops in accurate direction to the spotted orcs rather than hurrying back to where Denethor had ordered them.

When the time came for Boromir to come home from the Harad battle, Denethor wanted the only diversion gone, and had sent his youngest out on his first duty of Captain deliberately at that time. At the day of his firstborn’s expected return he’d showed up, and with those bloody rohirrim too.

He was happy to see them leave at the evening, but had been worried seeing Boromir leave too. Thousands of questions jumped across his mind, and many dark thoughts clung to him. As even he realized such thoughts were folly, he ashamed himself and looked at himself; hiding in the tower not daring to meet the king of the riddermarks.
He reassured himself that Boromir would return in short time, and he finally walked out of the claustrophobic room that earlier had seemed like a very safe and nice spot to plot and rule, but how could he rule when no one could even see him?

Luckily the steward had fallen asleep long before they got home from the battle that night, but now, as he sat by his huge wooden chair in his chambers the next morning, he thought of a way to greet the pompous king.
He also thought of how he should let his youngest son know of his indolence, but still make Boromir know how happy he was to see him. He also thought of a way to explain himself for not greeting the King at his arrival, the embarrassment if Théoden King would know that he’d been actually hiding in the tower, was the only thing making him reluctant to meet at the breakfast.

“I did not expect any of my sons to get home so soon, or anyone to pay a visit without a message to prepare, so I addicted myself to the inner library. But I’m sure you were greeted as the way a king, such as yourself, is fitted.”
Everyone felt hit by Denethor, but not like Faramir, he felt a sting from every breath.
Faramir wondered what punishment he would receive from; ‘did not expect’, or ‘get home so soon’, and wanted to defend the king of the sentence; ‘without a message to prepare’.

He also felt Denethor would blame him for all of this. He felt a blade at his throat while his father mentioned his addiction to the inner libraries.
When Faramir met king Théoden the first time out in the fields that morning, he’d still several more days out on patrol, but meeting Théoden at the spotting of the orcs had been almost too good to be true.
King Théoden himself and a few others knew they had different definitions of what the steward meant by what a king such as him deserved.

They were all sitting by the giant table eating the breakfast when Denethor had entered, and made everyone stand while he walked to his chair. He smiled strict and everyone sat down before he had started this cold and spiky speech.

“Yes, I was greeted even before I got to this fine city. Your youngest Faramir over here spotted a herd of orcs before he met us, and let women and children come here before we set out to strike the dark creatures down. And I’m thankful for the care that my family has received from your fine staff.” Seeing Denethor’s squinting made the king go on with a harder attempt to get his point at the table.

“Thanks to Faramir and of course all the men joining, this was done by the hour.” King Théoden tried to cheer things up after everyone had been offended by Denethor’s depression. Faramir had been sitting silent all morning, answering the few questions as short and precise as he could, and waited for his doom.

“All I’m saying is that this young lad over there surprises me, you did a great decision putting him by the rangers.”

Denethor looked at Faramir still unsatisfied, his early homecoming still lingered his mind. The young Captain dared to lift his gaze, but shut it down as he noticed the disapproving look. The steward turned to Boromir.

He didn’t seem changed other than being subdued to his father for not reporting of his homecoming and participating in something he had not ordered.
Boromir was also scared to death if he should say something that would hurt his beloved.

“I recon you were participating too?” “Yes, father. But I had nothing to do with it more than stomping orcs.”

Though everyone smiled and some laughed, even Faramir smiled, he who felt himself more revealed to Denethor’s scolding than ever, Boromir’s smile vanished as he was reminded by the squint and disapproved look from his father that he didn’t like it when his oldest and finest son made himself a laugh at these states.

The king started talking to Denethor and kept his joviality despite the skeptical glare he was receiving from the steward.

With his father busy for the moment, Boromir tried to gain eye contact with his brother by curving his back and slide down the bench, making himself smaller to prevent Faramir’s gaze to rise more than willingly. He had tried to gain Faramir’s attention earlier too with no success.

Faramir had showed up late and made as little out of him as possible. People thought he be tired and didn’t expect much of him, but Boromir knew Faramir did not wish to be there, and that he had troubles dealing with things, perhaps an event the evening earlier. He remembered when Faramir had been in these situations before, and even though he was on the merge to burst, he always behaved descent and kind to others who did not matter the case.

For the first time Boromir was aware of his own part in Faramir’s struggles, and understood why he did not dare to look at him, but did not quit the attempt anyway. His heart hurt, knowing he was one of the reasons of his little brother’s pain.

Boromir got slightly desperate and almost stretched across the table where his little brother sat to. As Denethor watched his eldest sit like a fooling child he frowned and lost all attention away from the king. Denethor tried to understand this curving position his son were in, but wanted him out of it as he saw the rest of the company give their attention to this awkward behavior.

“Boromir!” the father barked, and the eldest son straightened his back and jumped so fast he hit the table so it lifted and made everything on it teeter. Faramir had lifted his gaze onto his brother by that, and Boromir could only watch him by the corner of his eye as he met his father’s. “Yes, father.” Boromir tried to seem as natural as ever, but revealed that something was up by the unfamiliar brighter tone in the usual brute voice.

The steward shook his head fast and discreet as he squinted with his one eye at his eldest and kept on with the King. Several others looked questioning at Boromir, but not for long. They’d heard of the general’s temper and wish for personal life. Théodred kept his eyes on him the longest where he sat five people away from him; he saw an insecurity he’d never seen in his fellow general. The king made sign of their retirement after a short conversation with the steward. Boromir had not dared to look at his brother after the rebuke, and had poked his beef for a while.

“Excuse me father.” Faramir’s restrained voice reached Boromir’s ears, but when he looked up his brother had walked away and was reaching the hallway. Boromir was about to rise and run after him, but a firm hand kept him at his place “Boromir, what’s the matter with you. I haven’t seen you for weeks and this is how you greet me? Joining in to fight for another kingdom, acting like this at the table, and not passing me a glimpse of ratification?”

Ashamed of his actions Boromir spoke “I’m sorry, father. It’s just so many things going on. After returning from Harad I was tired, but you know me…” He reached for a laugh but his father’s lips only narrowed. “…eheehe, yes. I was glad to see Faramir again, but I heard they were talking about a herd of orcs moving to a village between our borders and I couldn’t stay home after knowing this. It went smooth, just as king Théoden told you. And I got to see Faramir, father. He did so well.”

Denethor didn’t look content by this, and Boromir got serious. “Father, please believe in him. He tries so hard, and you must have given him that dangerous task for some reason.” Denethor’s smirk almost made it through, but stayed in his depressed and cocky expression “Enough of this matter with your weird behavior and your foolish brother. I want rapport on the Haradrim.”

Faramir hit the stone wall to suppress a scream. He hit it once more as his anger needed more domestication and leaned on the cold stone so his feverish forehead chilled. He took a few deep breaths and hurried to his desk. He fell down on his chair and started writing with haste. A knock on the door and a familiar voice called Faramir’s name.
“Aye!” Faramir answered without stop in the furious writing. Théodred entered seeing Faramir at the desk with the feather swaying rapidly in his hand “Are you mad my friend?” Faramir froze and glared at the ink still wet on the parchment.

He turned and looked at his friend with a confused and annoyed frown behind his bangs. Théodred smiled as he once again was right about his younger fellow.
“You shouldn’t write your rapports in anger.” he nodded at the foul writing and the overuse of ink before sitting down at the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees.

“It surprises me that I am telling you this fact, dear friend. What’s bothering you?”
Faramir tossed the feather at the desk and leaned on both of his elbows on the desk, glaring at the rain outside.

“Has it something to do with your brother?”

Faramir felt the anger and sorrow bubble up and crave for rebellion, but his mind deleted it the second his body was about to act.
He wanted to scream, hit, kick and shout. How dared Boromir to open that gate he had tried to keep locked ever since…

He looked at Théodred and said with his viral warm and low voice: “I’m just tired. There are lots of tribulations to deal with, and right now they are teaming up against me all at once, but I’ll be fine.” Théodred leaned on his palm while tilting his head to the side with a puppy gaze at Faramir. That made him smile. But he rose and said before he walked to the hearth: “Don’t worry. I will manage somehow.”

A silence filled the presence. Only the crackle from the fire made sound. Théodred stood up and sauntered so his boots and the crackle from the fire were the lonesome sounds in the room. He faced Faramir who stared blunt in the fire. Faramir had his gaze locked in the hearth a while before he finally met his good friend’s, unable to hide his ennui.
“Don’t worry, dear friend” Théodred began.
“You should mind your own progress, and don’t let your brother hold you back. And don’t even let your mind start tricking you to yield to your father’s words of spite.” Even though Théodred’s voice was lowered by the mentioning of the steward, his eyes lightened with deliberation.

Faramir knew his friend wanted to help, but this was not the issue, and not being able to tell Théodred about it made his jaw tight.
Théodred lifted his dark eyebrows and tilted his head so his silk hair left his shoulder.

“Stop giving me those puppy eyes, Théodred” Faramir smiled and turned away to his desk.

Théodred’s pride filled his curving lips and he strolled to the other side of the table with a grimace, and leaned on it to stare into Faramir’s eyes still with the goofy grimace “I know what will cheer you up.”

Faramir raised his eyebrow, knowing this would not turn out good, but as Théodred was about to speak, the door opened. With both Faramir and Théodred’s eyes on him as he entered, Boromir felt accused of something and backed behind the door with only his toe and face showing. Faramir was the only one making that feeling true. He shifted nervously still behind the door “I’m sorry did I interrupt something?”

Still with Faramir’s accusing face, Théodred raced his brows in surprise of seeing the brutal and gruff Boromir so polite and obsequious. He knew at that point that this was not like the time when they were children; when Boromir had been teasing Faramir by running away with his books, pushing him or grappling him to the ground, or when Faramir had been an annoying pestering little brother, hanging onto his brother like he was his horse, or getting in the way when he had been fencing. This was not the same, it was something deeper, but Théodred knew exactly what to do.

“I was just about to ask Faramir to join me for a night out at the bar, Silver boot. Maybe you would like to join too?” Boromir didn’t want his brother to go out with Théodred alone ‘Why were they so often together?’ Boromir cursed his jealousy again, and was about to step into the room to gladly accept Théodred’s proposal, but stopped immediately seeing Faramir’s expression. He’d never seen the eyes of his brother like this.

Faramir remembered he’d fallen asleep from fatigue in Boromir’s arms, and had wakened the next morning with an emotional hurricane ravaging his mind and body. He’d been avoiding his brother at the breakfast, but now as he was staring at him, and the fact that they were back at his room where it all started, the emotions boiled up inside.
He’d loved the kiss, he loved Boromir, but they couldn’t, and the facts around it made him angry; it reminded him of the chains he had around his neck, arms and legs. It would destroy everything he’d used all his life to accomplish.

He was now dealing with his father better than ever, even though it was not good, it was better than before; now he wasn’t punished with flogging or beating. The public humiliations had subdued, and he had a title to stand up to. And then it was the dark secret he kept for his father. And now, his brother who’d been supporting him, comforting him, and loving him, was now the main problem.
Théodred noticed the tension between the brothers, and he straightened his back after leaning on the desk and strolled pass Faramir.
“I’ll be around to hear your answers, steward brothers.” Boromir nodded to him and let him pass throughand out to the hallway. Boromir closed the door and was more frightened of the look Faramir set upon him than any foul creature had.

“Faramir, I’ve never seen you like this. I’m sorry if it’s my fault, I never meant to…” Seeing a paler color change in his little brother’s face and his grey eyes turn more blue as the tears were ready to emerge, his instinct told him to hold him and comfort him, but his fright that Faramir might vanish in his embrace made him stay on place.

Faramir stood firm trying to stay strong. “Why did you do it?” As the sudden question left Faramir’s strict lips and Boromir could hear his trembling voice; he dared to move closer, only a few steps. Boromir did not know what to say. With both of them knowing the answer, no one spoke. As Boromir got closer, Faramir’s striving to keep his emotions at hand got harder. He tightened his lips and shook his head like a warning to his elder brother not to get any closer.

Boromir did come closer though, like he was walking on a minefield. Faramir backed away and kept Boromir on the other side of the desk.
Faramir’s voice was cold and trembling “You just couldn’t help it? Is that the answer?”

Boromir gave in to Faramir’s wish of distance and stopped at the other side of the propped desk. He studied the parchment Faramir had been writing on, and saw it on his writing that he’d been upset. A small smile made it in the corner of his lips.

“Were you actually going to give this to father?” He glanced up on Faramir who lost his metal hard face and frowned by the sudden irrelative question. After taking in the unexpected question, he sighed and threw his gaze to the roof. “No, I wasn’t. That would put all of my efforts to ruin. You know that if I do even one mistake everything will…”

Boromir had gotten closer in Faramir’s distraction and it made Faramir raise his voice and stumble a step further away.
“…and I have no intentions of letting that happen, Boromir. I will not let everything I’ve strived so hard to get be tossed to a nazgul’s nest just by some…”
Faramir backed away as Boromir got closer and closer. He was pushing Faramir to a corner.
“Boromir, please understand.” Boromir wondered why his brother had gained this sudden horrid fear of him, and since words weren’t his plane, he waited.

It wasn’t fair to Faramir, and it was rather cruel to push his brother to this limit, but he desperately needed to know his brother’s mind. He studied his backing brother as he continued.

“Boromir, I lo…Please back away. You can’t always get what you want. I didn’t mean to do what I did, it was…” Boromir couldn’t believe he was pushing his brother this much. He didn’t mean to seem threatening, but by the acts of his little brother he knew that was what he appeared to him right there and then. He knew he should back away, but he’d never seen his brother like this and was hypnotized by it.

“Why are you not stopping, Boromir. I’m asking you to back away.” His tears broke and he screamed when Boromir had gotten so close he could hardly move.
“Why are you not listening?” With Boromir a head taller than Faramir, they stared at each other.

A tense moment between the brothers stopped time for a split dangerous second, and Faramir’s tears made way in his shock, and Boromir stared at his brother not knowing what to do. Faramir’s body had enough and he tried to run away, but Boromir pinned him to the wall by pressing at his shoulder and arm with a leg blocking his.

The youngest brother fought hard to get loose. It was no trouble for the stronger man to hold the younger one still and striving on the spot. Since Boromir didn’t do anything but hold him tight, he calmed down and dared to meet his elder brother’s stern gaze. Seeing his little brother this agitated, blushing and panting stirred feelings upon him and his arms trembled in the tight grips. His dream hit him and he jolted for a second before speaking with a stern and loving voice.

“I do not mean to harm you, little brother. Why are you so afraid? I have never given you any reason to frighten me, have I?”

Faramir’s breathe trembled in anger and fear “We can’t go through with this brother, you know that. I’m trying to make this easy for us, but you’re only making it graver.”

The tears’ tracks still showed on his hot cheeks, but he was no longer crying. His fury had returned. Boromir tried to calm him by caressing his face, but he jerked from his loving palm and barked “Don’t”.
As Boromir’s palm remained where it had been rejected, Faramir continued a bit calmer “Must I repeat myself? You’re not making this easy at all.” The warm voice of Faramir made Boromir close into Faramir’s face. Faramir panicked.
“No! Don’t you dare do that!” He kept screaming to his brother to let him go while he kicked and hit in attempt to get loose. It only made Boromir hold him even harder and press him further into the wall.

When Faramir screamed and cried, Boromir understood that the kid was going to fight until death, so he quickly released him and backed two meters away breathing heavily and ready to catch him if he was heading for the door, he wasn’t finished even though letting go of him.

Faramir stood still against the wall breathing heavier than Boromir. He was so tired his legs trembled, and his muscles threatened to fail. As Faramir got accustomed to his new freedom, Boromir felt his heart break. Now it was his turn to get angry, but he understood what Faramir was saying. Without a glare at his beloved he let go off him totally and told he was sorry before bursting out the door.

After a while Faramir calmed down still supporting his body against the wall, and he looked out the window gaining his breath. A storm was coming up and the rain poured like a waterfall. His calm, wet and tired face gazed on the parchments he’d not finished. He had to deliver them as soon as possible. Putting everything aside as best as he could, he started on a new rapport.

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